Now, I know a lot of you are thinking, what, does American Gladiators, even in its current format have to do with multi-sport? Well, my 2 or 3 sport friends, they are showing us something that has been known in marketing for years, and turning it into a profit- sex sells.
And not just sex, sex and violence sells. Although I would hardly characterize what those contestants go thru as "violent", they still have captured America's attention by sitcking to the aforementioned axiom. Now, as a duathlete, I constantly bemoan the fact that we are treated like the one-eyed step sister of our triathlete compatriots, and we are. You triathletes know it too. Even the mention of duathlon cuases many of you to frown, or make some "Did someone just ask me the square root of something?" face. And the fact that some of you must share the same course as duathletes during race season, is almost more than you can bear.
But, my 3 sport friends, you too, are suffering from a lack of exposure that is being taken by inane programs like Gladiatiors. Think about it, those contestants are amatuers, just like 99% of us. And for some of us, the training we do will be useful in life, mainly in extending your life expectancy. I don't know how dodging tennis balls being rocketed at your melon has any real-world application, unless you are married to Liza Minelli. So, perhaps we need to get together and recognize we carry a very precious and desired comodity - our sleek and well trained bodies.
Now, I can hear some of you starting the "I don't want to be objectified" whirlwind, ready to unleash some form of self-righteous banter; Gloria Steinem ready to pounce. To that, I say, ladies, please, oh, please, get over yourselves and be honest. Just like the woman who I saw looking at some tri mag that had a summer line of tri clothes being promo'd and some woman was wearing a bottom that was close to a thong. She was shocked and horrified - spouting off about, "that's not what we are about!" When really, you could almost hear her mutter under her breath, "but if I had that body, you damn well know I'd be sporting that outfit too." If you are racing in a 2 piece that leaves little to the imagination, are you seriously thinking that people aren't looking, or, that you aren't expecting to be looked at? Don't get me wrong, for those of you who train hard and get into great shape - you have earned the right to wear those kits. And wear them proudly. As you can see, I am not directing my comments about objectification to the guys, we don't care. Actually, we probably prefer to be objectified. I know plenty of guys, who will sit around post-race, even in the cold, with no shirt on, still in race shorts, and a bandana. You know who you are.
So with this, we need to grab the ear of TV big shots and get us some air play. The general populace thinks that multi-sport occurs once a year, at the Hawaii Ironman. We need to change public perspective. Here's our chance. we can dress up the courses, make them more, spectator friendly, and get some washed up actor or sports star, like Hulk Hogan, to do some pre-race interviews, while loud music plays in the background. We can do a race series, just like a TV show, a 12 week series of shorter races, completely focused on great shots of the tight bodies. Then, the standout athletes can be given shiny silver race kits, completely functional of course, and send them out there. And we can get story lines going, some real red-meat fueds, like McCormack and Stadler. I say we embrace that stuff, and push the envelope. Why not? You want to see more money at races? You want better post race parties, that offer more than a dry bagel and a bottle of water? Then we need to start selling what we got - slick bodies, on slick bikes. Heck, we are even fitter than the Gladiators, we can run more than 100 yards without needing an oxygen tank. Do think all that mass they have is functional? Yeah, maybe for moving a Buick, but aside from that, what else? I know this, if I get in a jam, and have no ride, and need to cover 20 miles, I can slap on some running shoes, and shorts, and I will get there.
So to all my multi-sport friends, the next time you talk to your family or friends about coming to a race, don't talk about the early rise time, or the lousy food, or the negatives. Tell them, there will be some hot bodies, with little on, running and swimming and biking, constantly sweating, not 2 inches from your face. And they don't have to pay to watch. You may see spectatorship grow. To the Race Directors out there - start giving out awards for "best body", not just the winners. I have a feeling you will see spectatorship grow. Maybe then, we can get Spike TV, or Versus to give us some true air time. Think about it. Otherwise, don't make fun of Gladiators, they will remain a step ahead.
