"So, it has to come out then?" - my comment to the surgeon after his 20 minute explanation as to why its critical to get your appendix out before it bursts
I really jinxed myself. The more I thought about it as I lay in the the hospital bed, getting prepped for surgery. How you might ask? Because not more than 2 days prior, I thought to myself, "man, I feel pretty good. I'm healthy and normally at this time of the year I get a bad cold or sinus infection. But I'm cruising along! I'm kick ass!" Not so much.
Now, the information that follows is not going to be for the weak stomachs. There will be a lot of TMI, but its important because I didn't know any of this, and I know there are people who read this blog (all 4 of you) who don't know this stuff and should become more aware. So there is my disclaimer for those who continue to read and start to feel ill.
This past Saturday, I woke up at 5 am to what I thought was a bad case of the flu. I felt queasy, but something was different. The pain felt more like a horrible side cramp or "stitch". I tried to relax and fall back to sleep, but the pain only got worse. I went to work at 9 am for a seminar, and the pain had started to localize, all in my lower right abdominal. I still thought it was the flu, and when I ran to the bathroom to vomit, I figured I was right. But the pain didn't subside it only worsened, and now walking started becoming an issue. I was excused from the seminar and decided that if this was the flu, its some weird strain that I haven't heard of, potentially lethal, so I drove to the local critical care clinic.
Ok, this where I will be giving some big TMI. The doctor examined me and when she touched my lower right abdomen, I almost went through the roof. Clearly this was not some Aztec flu or new strain of SARS; it was something much more sinister. So the doc ordered a CT scan as she feared it was an appendicitis. Now I don't know much about an appendicitis, but I know it requires surgery, and it needs to be done rather timely or you will find yourself in a bad way. So I was all set for the CT until I got this awesome piece of news - a CT scan for an appendicitis requires an anema. That's right, an enema. While you are getting the CT.
I've never had an anema, and I was pretty positive I didn't want one. But there was no other way, so I got off the bed and walked, with great reservation, to the CT room. As the guy who was giving me the enema prepped everything, he kept apologizing that this was the only way. All I kept thinking was "stop apologizing and find another way to take this f'ing CT!" Then the fun began as I was on my side, my right side, you know the one that was in pain, and violation number one started. As he was inserting the tube, my entire body just locked up involuntarily as if it was screaming NO to what was happening. And it was at that moment I heard a phrase that caused me to laugh - "Now you need to take a deep breath and relax". Right. No problem. You are only inserting a TUBE in my rear end while pumping dye into me. Its just like laying out at the beach, if that beach was at some POW camp where they torture you for information. After he finished and I was getting cleaned up, I couldn't imagine why people would voluntarily do this. I mean, eat more vegetables or fiber. The idea of colonics became absolutely ridiculous to me at that moment.
So, the scan showed what the doctor already knew, an appendicitis. The good news, it hadn't burst so surgery would be rather routine. Now this is important - if you wait too long when experiencing symptoms like this, your appendix will most likely burst. Imagine a small balloon that fills with poison inside your body. The balloon is only able to take so much air before it burst. When it does, it sprays all that poisonous waste throughout your body. It literally a matter of hours after that when you will simply fall down and die. I'm not kidding. Ignoring these symptoms and trying to "gut it out" can cost you your life. So its not a sign of weakness when you go to the hospital, its a sign of intelligence.
I drove to the hospital where they were waiting for me, and the surgery went off without a hitch. I'm extremely thankful for that. If you catch it in time, the surgery is done laparoscopically, meaning going through the belly button, and 2 small incisions, the size of a dime, are made. Honestly, the surgery didn't really cause me any pain, even though the nurses kept trying to push pain meds on me. What I really was, was hungry, really hungry. But all I was allowed were ice chips. For 10 hours. Overnight. In a hospital. If you have ever had surgery one of the big things to a quick exit is showing that your bowels are awake by urinating. And the more you go, the better you are. In my case, I had an added incentive - if I didn't go enough, I was getting a catheter. So I was all about going pee. And although it was agonizing every time I went, I got up and made a valiant effort.
At 5 am, feeling pretty confident that I had met the doctor's requirements for "evanurse came in with an ultrasound machine to determine how much fluid was in my abdomen. The number was 531 ml, apparently higher than what my doctor wanted. It was at that moment that I needed a catheter. Now I hadn't been given any food or fluid for over 12 hours, hadn't slept in 24 hours and the nurse figured this was the time to stick a tube up my penis. The only polite answer I could muster was, "Umm, I'd prefer not to? Barteleby the Scrivener? No? Not a big Melville fan I guess. Well, he's not an easy read". For those of you who don't watch "Archer" on FX, this joke is lost on you but it was designed to be sarcastic. Let's just say it didn't help my cause. So here she came with something that just seemed uncalled for. And again, the "Deep breath and relax" bullshit advice was given. Seriously. You can't tell a guy to relax when you are about to jam a tube in his penis. It just isn't going to happen. Its like saying "I'm going to jam a hot poker in your eye, and you will be awake to experience all of it. But just breathe deeply and relax, it will be fine."
As she started to insert the tube, I saw stars, then everything went white, and I let out a yelp. And then the bad news came - she didn't do it right. So she had to take it out and redo it. I actually prayed that I would pass out. I felt sick, violated, I mean, just not right on so many levels. I wasn't in pain until they put that in. But I still refused pain meds, b/c this was an easy fix - take out the catheter and I'll be fine. So I would ring the nurse every half hour to get a hold of the doctor and ask when it could come out. I think out of sheer frustration, the nurses made a major effort to get a hold of the doctor, because by 9 am, the catheter was out, and I felt fine. But that was the second violation I experienced in less than 24 hours and I was ready to.
My whole ordeal wasn't that bad in comparison to others who have had this. And I am recovering quickly, having rode on my computrainer today without issue. The "all you can do is walk for the next 3 weeks" didn't sit with me. But the memory of the catheter keeps me from over-doing it. Still, you know your body better than anyone and let this be a warning - don't be too brave or get too cute when it comes to your health. I am doing ok becuase I keep in good health. But it didn't negate the fact I needed the enema and the catheter. So let this be a lesson - LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. Don't be a hard ass. You feel something wrong, go get it checked and do it fast. Otherwise, the catheter will be the least of your worries.
Stay strong,
Guy
