Marcus Aurelius
Its been quite some time since I have written and in the lengthy post that follows, hopefully it will be clear as to why. Since a fairly awful 2018, 2019 didn't start out great at all. Actually it was much of the same. But, with all things, the ebb and flow of life provides opportunities to learn. And so, the learning continues. So as I sit here, and tap this out, fighting yet another sinus infection, staring at a lengthy and difficult race schedule, I found myself struggling to see how I am going to reach the goals I set. So I searched for inspiration. Tom Brady provided it. There is nothing that can't be done. Let me be honest - I don't care if you like him or not. I do. I always have. I like watching him win. I like how meticulous he is. How hard he works. How he defies time. Old man. Still on top. Its pretty damn great. Because I'm an old man. At least when I walk into the gym, or to a race, that's what hits me. But this is not someone who plans to go quietly in that good night, not with a new endurance coach and strength coach. Not with seeing weekly improvement. Not with the fire that still burns inside me. Not with all the feelings or raw emotion that come with the joys of training and racing. I still get excited to train, even when I feel like shit. Yet, on a daily basis, I, like everyone else, get bombarded with the absolute non sense that is, Social-fucking-media. And the desire to create "authentic posts".
Here's the conclusion I've come to - Social media's biggest failing is that it has taken the daily mundane, and made it something to over celebrate. This most recent cold streak we had in the Midwest - I'm not referring to it as a vortex, it was a total of 3 fucking days, elicited posts that made me physically ill. Instagram and FB were replete with Posts like "crushing my errands today, even in the bitter cold! #polarvortex" or "the #polarvortex wasn't going to stop me from slaying my goals - made it to the gym! #gainz". Here's the deal - unless your goals or errands included any of the following -
1. Curing cancer
2. Ending sexual harrassment
3. Solving school shootings
4. Ensure racial and gender equality for all
5. Bringing peace to the Middle East
Then all you did was self serving stuff that benefited you and you only and you. Which is fine. But to see comments like "how brave of you" when the errand was to go from warm house, to warm car to Whole Foods to buy grass fed beef, locally grown vegetables and hand soap made from the indigenous people of Southern California, that didn't require bravery. You weren't looking to help mankind. I didn't see anyone take a selfie of themselves wearing bear skin or pelts out in sub zero temps to hunt and forage for food, because it was the only way they were going to eat for the next few days. Or weeks. Its Twenty nine fucking nineteen. Not 1819. How is getting your dry cleaning on par with someone who used their body as a shield to protect strangers in a senseless school shooting or mass shooting like Vegas? Your 800 likes for going outside in your down coat and wool hat to get coffee for everyone in your house, who had the day off from work, diminishes real bravery. Real toughness. Its the watering down of real accomplishments. Its mind numbing.
Which brings me to sunny point number 2 (bonus points for those who can name the movie reference) - how is it possible to create an authentic posts when taking selfies. Its an oxymoron, like honest politician.I think authentic is supposed to be natural, unplanned, spontaneous. Isn't the whole idea of a selfie to have some plan as to camera angle, a whole why behind the picture? The ability to edit out what you don't like, then use a filter o clean up the rest? Where's the authenticity there? I have to do these things, as I have promised my sponsors that I would. And this is not a knock against them, nor is it me bemoaning my fortune to have people who support me in my sport. In my journey. I am beyond grateful and very aware I would not be able to do 1/100th of what I do without them. I love them and appreciate them, except 1, the one that keeps me in the dark while social media allows me to see what other teammates are getting, while I'm left with the feeling that the contract I signed was meaningless. But I digress.
And I know what some of you are thinking - yeah, but you have a ton of half naked pics of yourself on the internet, all over social media. Yes, I do. I have done, and will do photo shoots for sponsors. Its also part of the job. Again, I am beyond grateful to be able to work with an amazing photographer and manager. So before I continue - Mel, thank you, and I'm sorry for this post. I know you're thinking that I'm crazy for putting all this out there. But if I am to be authentic, this is it. This is me. Its not for everyone. I know. And I am sorry.
What's important to understand about the pics I took - it wasn't just for sponsors, it was also a program to showcase where athletes from Chicago got their start. Mine was in my old neighborhood on Chicago's Southside. We shot in front of my old house. In the alley behind my uncle who lived 4 blocks away. In my late teens and early 20's I ran those streets. All hours of the day and night. I swam off the rocks at 57th street beach. At 12th street beach. And yes, some shots were shirtless or had tight clothes. But why were so many, if not all, in black and white? Because I have difficulty seeing myself in photos. Its actually a painful process for me to see myself in pictures. Except ones with my son where my focus is solely on him. The black and white allowed me the most amount of comfort without causing the highest level of anxiety. People who know me best, like Mel, and Manny the photographer will tell you this. What the photos don't show were the mental machinations I went through just to get in front of the camera. The cold sweat before each shoot. The self doubt. The self loathing. The angst. Fear of being considered a wannabe, or simply seeking attention. The purpose of the photos lost in just the aesthetic. No recognition of substance. A neighborhood in need. The draw to those streets 20 plus years later, those streets that provided as much pain as they did joy. Why I can't let go. And the spot is always tied to those streets, those spots, knowing the time it took to cross from Narraganset to Harlem on my bike, or on my feet. How to beat a freight train. How to survive rides that started at 9 pm on a weeknight and ended at 11. Ask my parents. They remember all too well.
There's a very real reason why when people visit my parents' home, they struggle to find a photo of me on the wall. There are a few - wedding photos where no one smiled, and if not for tuxes and bridal gowns, you wouldn't know if we were at a wake or a wedding. And the one with my brother and sister from Christmas 2014. There aren't more because I am not a fan of staged photos. So its a long winded explanation why this old man struggles with the notion of his mug showing up in someone's feed every day, #livingmybestlife. - (Side note - can we agree its time to retire that phrase?) So does this relegate me to less attention from potential sponsors and getting more from current ones? Maybe. Probably. Its not for lack of love of what they do or how they help. And if any of the good people who are helping me on this journey are reading this, please know this is not a you thing, its definitely a me thing. My hangups. You are in business to make money and social media drives dollars. I understand completely, and don't blame you for what you require or need. So I will continue to do my very best to live up to my end. I am just so used to that being race results related, not the impression that I'm just crushing every training session, smashing PB's every day, and in general just killing it. That's a lie. But we never show our worst selves on social media. We don't show bad days or weeks. We don't talk about illness, or setbacks, or when you just can't seem to get out of quicksand, where no matter how hard you try, you only sink deeper. We don't show it, yet those moments are so real, so true, so authentic, that I wish we did. Myself included. I posted about getting rhabdo. I'm not ashamed of it, so why hide it? I fucked up. I was fortunate to not do permanent or lasting damage. But it was real. It was scary. And it could happen again. No matter how far down I push those thoughts, they linger in the recesses of my psyche, like someone's cologne or perfume, long after they've left the area. Even days can go by, but the smell is there, reminding you that they too,were in the room.
I always want to be the same person no matter where I go - that includes the internet. And that makes me repeat this phrase - I am not for everyone. Writing, not pictures, have always been my preferred medium of communication. Long Form as the millenials call it. Something that requires more than 30 seconds. So annoying, I know. But it allows me to sleep a little better knowing that if nothing else, writing allows me to be authentic.This is my authentic self. It can be brazen, and at times unsympathetic. I am unrelenting at times, I am unsure at times, I struggle with anxiety and depression. I work on those daily. I can admit to failure, I can learn from it. But hide the not so cool sides of me isn't fair to me, or to people who give a shit about me and take the time to read what I write, or listen to what I say.
I see so many people who show one side on social media, yet claim to be a different person in "real life". Then they are shocked when I call them out on it. Genuine isn't always having your hair and make up done, your swim gear all neatly lined up, your latest Zwift ride for all to see how much of a bad ass you are, indoors. Or that you choose a treadmill over outside. There's nothing wrong with any of those things. not one bit. But remember the face you show is all 99% of people get to see. If you want to be thought of differently then act on it. Be the person on Instagram that you are with your family. Your close friends. Maybe you lose a few follows. Maybe you don't get as many likes. Life won't end. I promise.
Maybe who you really are behind the camera on your Iphone is much more interesting and beautiful and exciting than any glammed up pic you've posted. Maybe the world would be better if you showed them that person.Maybe you might inspire someone else to do the same.
Food for thought. Thank you for reading.
Stay strong,
Guy
