So, as a commuter, I can only play Brickbraker on my phone so often before I start to go nuts, so, I do my best to get a good book, or a good magazine to keep me occupied for my train ride. I usually head for ProCycling, or Bicycling, or Velonews, as a fan of cycling. I know I am a multi-sport athlete, but, honestly, I can't take the tri mags we have. The emphasis on "Tri" We duathletes get it, your sport is bigger, draws bigger numbers, gets more pub, blah, blah, blah. But, aren't you guys even sick of the repetition of the articles? I mean, unless you are a straight IM athlete, what do you read those for? Please don't tell me product reviews, b/c you and I both know you are way better off reading a single sport magazine to get a more thorough review. And please don't tell me you race to get the newest issue b/c of Scott Tinley's column. I would like to think that we, as a multi-sport community, are smarter than this.
Anyway, I was purusing the magazines and noticed Esquire magazine. Now, I try to stay up on current events, including men's fashion. Since I am stuck wearing a suit most days, it never hurts to see what's out there. Plus, Rachel Hunter is turning 39 and looks as hot as ever in this month's issue, so, you see my point. But, for some reason, this rather tasteful magazine, has added a new section, apparently to remind us males, how little we know about women. First off, ladies, trust me on this, we are well aware as to how little we know about women. As a point of fact, when we do talk about women, the general consensus is, we don't understand you, never will, and are tired of trying. I know guys who wake up every morning and apologize to their wife just in case something happens later in the day.
So, I started to read this month's "10 Things" which is always written by some celebrity, who, sorry guys, none of us have a chance in hell of ever dating, let alone getting within 50 feet for fear of a restraining order. Now I have read former "10" columns in the past, but, this time I realized, there is some bs going on here. It seemed more like "10 things you don't know about THIS woman" not womankind in general. So, I started to ask some female friends if there was any merit to her statements. Turns out, not really. So, now, we have a problem, b/c schmucks like me are reading this column every month, and thinking "Wow, look at everything I am learning about the female species! I am so hip! I am so with the times! I'll get a date in no time!", when in reality, we are better off reading Bazooka Joe comics. So, I say, shame on Esquire, b/c we males, have been duped again, which, honestly is not super hard to do, in believing these women were speaking for their entire gender, when in reality, they were simply talking about themselves. And like I said, unless you are a celebrity, and I am talking A-list here, you aren't getting close to these women.
What I realized though, is that women are desperate to teach us stuff about them, in the hopes that somehow, our eyes will open, and we will run to pick up "Martha Stewart' Living", "The Secret" and get tickets to see the "Vagina Monologues". Ladies, let me tell you, you are trying way too hard. Now, I don't profess to be an expert at relationships, as a point of fact, I am horrible at them. My most lasting relationship is with my niece, and that's only b/c she is 4 and doesn't know any better yet. But if you are so desperate to teach the males of this planet how to understand you better, let me tell you a few things about your target audience. And guys, you really can't get mad at me here, b/c 1. I am not sharing the big secrets, and 2. In the long run, this info should help you. Always looking out for my boys.
First, women, the most important thing you need to know about us - we are not that smart. Period. Example - male multi-sport athlete knows for months his mate's sister is getting married, and that his gal is the maid of honor. Knows, maybe even penciled the date on the fridge. But, on that same Saturday, he is slated for a 5 hour ride in Wisconsin with some other athletes, and is fully intent on going. See, in his mind, he can, do the ride, come home, take a nap and make it to the reception on time - perfect! Of course, this is absolutely contrary to the female's notion as to how the day should go. So, ladies, what you do is TELL US WHAT YOU WANT. Trust me, we are not mind readers. If we are left alone for too long, the idea of changing clothes becomes an issue. So, don't assume we will know what the standard course of action for a specific event is, b/c we don't. See we aren't dumb in the get up, go to work, go to school, make money, train right, keep tabs on your fantasy teams, sense. We are just clueless on stuff for relationships. We aren't doing stuff out of spite or to make your life more difficult, we honestly don't know any better.
Second, and this falls in line with the first thing, give us direction as to what you really want. If you want us to go and see your parents with you, say " I would like you to come and see my parents with me." Or, and even more important, tell us, EXACTLY how you feel. If you say, "I'm fine" and you aren't, we will ponder it for about 5 seconds and then move on to the ball game. Then, when you come flying around the corner of the living room 5 days later telling us why you are upset about something that happened 3 weeks ago at the mall, we are not only caught off guard, its going to take a monumental amount of effort for us to even remember 3 days ago, let alone 3 weeks. So, when in doubt, let it out, right then and there. Otherwise, its like it didn't happen, at least to us.
Lastly, and this goes for all of us, we all look at other women. Just like you ladies look at other guys, you are just more subtle about it. Now, I am not advocating that a guy should walk around with his girl, like his head is on a swivel, but, we are going to look. Especially in our sport, where, let's face it, its all pretty much on display. How do you not notice the tiny girl with the circus breasts in transition? Here's the crucial part - guys - you're lady knows you are looking, but doesn't need you doing any of the following: drooling, staring so bad you start to go cross-eyed, or pointing at her to your girl and say "Check that out! I bet she floats just fine!" That, would be in poor taste. Trust me, tried it, got left at the race site. Not pretty. But ladies, we are going to look. Here's the important part - WE ARE JUST LOOKING - WE AREN'T TRYING TO GET WITH THEM. Have some confidence that your man is happy with you, he's just, well, a guy. Its what we do. Its like my locker room blog, you don't even want to know the nonsense we do in private or even in public when we think no one is looking. I have seen more businessmen pick thier ass in public than I like to think about it. It doesn't matter eductation, social status, etc., guys have these common denominators, and you ladies need to realize them, so that your life will be easier.
I know this won't make it into Esquire, but maybe, just maybe, some ladies will go home, look at thier man, and just give him a knowing hug and kiss. Or, maybe, I am about to get a lot more hate mail than I normally do. Either way, I think I made a pretty decent point. Now, go back to your Inside Tri Magazine to read about the right gear ratio for IM Placid. Especially all of you who never plan on racing it.
